Somewhere else there must be more of it

These are the things I know:

1. I am loved by YAHWEH.

And even though I want to list more things, I have nothing else. I don't know WHY or HOW He loves me, I don't know why I can't seem to understand or reciprocate this love, I don't know. Sometimes lists help me......keep my head above the water. And in an attempt to list all the things that are CERTAIN, things I can count on, this was the only thing that I could write. I'm not certain about me, about who I am or why I make certain choices. I am not certain about emotions or friends or relationships.....BUT I am certain that I am covered in Love. Love that has nothing to do with me deserving it or earning it, Love that comes without expectations, Love that never runs out.......and never fails. That is all I know for sure.

I want a break from being me, tonight. Not because I hate my life, I definitely do not. Not because there is anything legitimately hard or stressful about my life, either.... but just because I'm tired of being Sierra. I'm tired of struggling with the same sins over and over again. I'm tired of having the same shortcomings. I'm tired of feeling like I've let down my Savior ONCE AGAIN. I'm dying for some perspective, some fresh air. Hopefully I'll find some clarity in Spain.....



AND, what will it take to get over this? "A clean break is easier. You can reset it and it heals and then you move on. But if you leave things messy or things don't get put right then it just hurts forever." I don't want to hurt forever.