There is something to be said for how a home and a family - or community of people - hold identity, embody identity. I don't know that I actually completely agree with these thoughts, but....I find myself thinking over and over that it will feel so good to be home and around my family and friends, and be reminded of who I am.

Being in this city is amazing. My life is never boring and I honestly barely know what crazy event will take place next. But, in all the craziness, I can feel myself fading a bit.

But I suppose it's natural, after all. To live and succeed in a place requires adaptation. But with adaptation comes some loss.

Who is this girl that goes clubbing until 5am and smokes the occasional cigarette and has indecent love escapades and a bottle of vodka in the pantry? I just don't quite recognize her.

Valley Center. Blue skies, dirt roads, orange groves. Cups of coffee outside with the sunset and the humming birds and old British mystery movies before bed. I want to belong to this life again.

And here is another thought- forgive the whininess, please:
Lately, I just want things to be simple - again? - and I want to feel happy. I guess happiness is something you move towards and build at, not something you just get. I constantly feel like I just want someone to give me happiness, to just hand it to me. But I guess I know that I need to start making better choices and having the right mindset. I don't want to want things and people that I can't or shouldn't have. I don't want to ache because I want something that I know I shouldn't. I want to erase all the relationships I've had that have made little holes in me... all the bad decisions and actions... because even though I've learned from them, it still hurts when they come up in the reel of my thoughts and those feelings flood back. Pandora's Box is hell, man.