Heart songs are all that I have

Because clarity comes to me in the form of lists.....here is a list of my most penetrating thoughts as of late:

1. It almost hurts to hear the sound of my parents voices on the phone. How painfully ironic that I can talk to them but not be with them. It's as if the nearness of their voices just reinforces the fact that they are on the other side of the globe. There are moments when, despite being in SPAIN, I just want to be in my house drinking coffee in the kitchen with my parents.

2. Psalm 139. Every time I happen upon this one while reading through the Psalms, I feel like a whole new facet of God's love for me has been unexpectedly revealed. At a time when I feel somewhat alone and vulnerable, Psalm 139 is Abba wrapping me up in His arms, something so completely irreplaceable.

3. Spain is intriguing. Being here has redefined so much for me. Because I cannot list everything, here are some things that I LOVE ( oftentimes, ironically ) about being here:

-Time is valued differently. The city sleeps from two to five every day (siesta). Good conversation takes precedence to most other tasks. There are very few 24-hour shops or drive-thru's. Spain is not the corporate machine that America is, regardless of what that means. Life moves at a slower, more graceful pace.

-Coffee - the simplicity of the coffee culture here is delightful. You can order un café con leche or simply un café, and it comes strong (always espresso). Some of the best days I've had here in Cádiz have been spent at a cafe, situated in the middle of some beautiful plaza, journaling and reading. I don't know if I can ever go back to Starbucks....

-Being a foreigner is humbling. Though I would say I can speak Spanish intermediately, there is so much I feel on the outside of here. And in a wierd way it is very refreshing, and it allows me to appreciate the culture from a point of view almost opposite to what I am accustomed to.

4. Lastly, here is what I miss: the closeness you only have with a sister (Annie). Salad dressing. My house and the familiarity of it. FRIENDS - the ones who define so much of who I am. and, TACO BELL. don't judge me.

Somewhere else there must be more of it

These are the things I know:

1. I am loved by YAHWEH.

And even though I want to list more things, I have nothing else. I don't know WHY or HOW He loves me, I don't know why I can't seem to understand or reciprocate this love, I don't know. Sometimes lists help me......keep my head above the water. And in an attempt to list all the things that are CERTAIN, things I can count on, this was the only thing that I could write. I'm not certain about me, about who I am or why I make certain choices. I am not certain about emotions or friends or relationships.....BUT I am certain that I am covered in Love. Love that has nothing to do with me deserving it or earning it, Love that comes without expectations, Love that never runs out.......and never fails. That is all I know for sure.

I want a break from being me, tonight. Not because I hate my life, I definitely do not. Not because there is anything legitimately hard or stressful about my life, either.... but just because I'm tired of being Sierra. I'm tired of struggling with the same sins over and over again. I'm tired of having the same shortcomings. I'm tired of feeling like I've let down my Savior ONCE AGAIN. I'm dying for some perspective, some fresh air. Hopefully I'll find some clarity in Spain.....



AND, what will it take to get over this? "A clean break is easier. You can reset it and it heals and then you move on. But if you leave things messy or things don't get put right then it just hurts forever." I don't want to hurt forever.