I hate these white walls. I've taken down all the color from my walls, taken down all the memories that had made their way onto my walls this year. And this room is unrecognizeable to me now; I used to feel like this room was more home to me than my actual home, but now, whatever it had, it lost. Which proves, I guess, that home is where the heart is. And my heart is no longer in this plain, white room.

I hate leaving. And I hate more how much of an avoider I am. I avoid any feelings of sadness by just packing up, just checking out early, emotionally. I heard once that emotions are like a spectrum that, when it expands, expands in both directions. So the more joy one can experience only means that one can experience that much more pain. And, for all the joy God's given me this year, allllllll the good times, the good friends, tonight it all means that I have that much more to miss and feel the absence of. And right now it doesn't matter that SPAIN is in my very near future, it doesn't matter that my future has never looked more promising. Tonight, I'm thinking that my present situation is one I very much want to cling to and never let slip away. So instead of saying the typical goodbyes, I think I'll end up leaving Friday, instead of Saterday and maybe not telling anyone. Because goodbyes, the offical goodbye, means that something is ending. And I hate that.

This year has been amazing. Nothing I expected or could have predicted. I came into my own. And God opened my eyes to everything outside myself. I won't ruin it with words. THANK YOU JESUS.