Two things:


Life is a constant balancing act, I have come to realize. And there are so many different factors that need balancing. Just now, I am wondering how to balance school with.....everything else. Life, I guess. Oh UCSD. How much should I stress over missing a class or a quiz or failing a midterm? Because will those things matter in the "long run," whatever that is? I tend to forget that life is happening now; I have spent so much time living for the future. Is that okay? Healthy? Another balance, I guess. In little moments of rebellion, I convince myself that I can afford to put school and grades and academics on the back burner for a little while and relearn what it means to just play. But am I just being irresponsible and lazy and taking this education for granted? If I didn't receive so much financial aid would I work harder? Am I allowing laziness to become a part of my character? I am sitting in a coffee shop in downtown La Jolla and thinking that I know so little and I worry so much.


And, I don't want to be who I am right now. More than anything, this "Awaken" series that IV is going through right now makes me realize that I am not satisfied with who I am right now. I am such a child. I like attention and comfort and intrigue. But this is not the woman God is calling me to be. He is calling me to be wise and thoughtful, absolutely caring and sensitive, someone who makes others feel at ease and important and worthy, someone who is modest and confident, the kind of attractive that draws people in, a lover and not a competitor, someone who has no motives except love. And that is not me right now. BUT I know a God who makes all things new. I am ready to be made new.



Just as a side note, this whole blogging thing scares the hell out of me. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and finding out that what I have to say isn't good enough.